Breakfast Battles
by Karm Starkiller
Summary: Takes place about a week after Vash defeated Knives. Vash, Meryl, and Milly must survive a morning with a homicidal but powerless maniac in the household. Oneshot made of crack and fluff.


**I just finished re-watching Trigun with my sister the other day, and this bit of madness popped into my head. Enjoy! :)**

Vash the Stampede, the Humanoid Typhoon, the outlaw with a $$60,000,000,000 reward on his head, flinched as his bedroom door slammed open.

"What are you doing still asleep so late? I told you I can't keep your no-good brother out of the way AND fix breakfast at the same time! You'd better get out of bed right now before I kick your sorry butt out of bed FOR you!" Meryl Stryfe slammed the door again on her way out, leaving Vash whimpering with a pillow over his head.

"It isn't fair that Knives is healing faster than I am, but I still have to be in charge of him despite being wounded! Is there no rest for the weary?" Vash moaned, trying to drag himself out of bed but ending up on the floor, tangled in the sheets. "Ow, ow, ow!"

Maniacal laughter from the kitchen.

A very loud "VAAAASH!" from Meryl.

"I'm coming!" Vash shouted, scrabbling free of the bedsheets and grabbing a shirt as he ran to Meryl's aid, and skidding into the kitchen in time to see the Insurance Girl pounding his brother on the head with a soup ladle. "Hey, have a heart!" he said as he grabbed the ladle away from her. "You shouldn't be attacking a wounded man like that, you know."

"Wounded or not, he needs to stop trying to tell me what to do all the time. I'm not his – his minion!" Meryl tried to grab the ladle back, but Vash held it out of her reach. "Vash, you tell your brother to mind his own business before I REALLY lose my temper with him."

Vash giggled helplessly and shrugged. Knives glared at him, arms crossed. "How can you tolerate her presence, Vash? That pathetic human can't even fry an egg properly."

"I can fry eggs better than you ever could, you lunatic!" Meryl snapped.

"You're an inferior being, how could you possibly be better than me in any way?"

"I'll show you how good I am at wiping that sneer off your face. Give me the ladle back, Vash!" Meryl was all but foaming at the mouth.

"I'm afraid I can't do that." Vash shook his head sorrowfully. "It'd be rude to beat up a guest."

"Then keep him out of my way, or else."

"Is there something wrong?" Milly yawned, wandering in. "I thought I heard shouting."

"She dragged me out of bed—"

"He won't get out of my way for five—"

"Can you honestly not see how inferior you all are—"

"How about if none of us talk at all until after breakfast? That's what my mother made my brothers do when they wouldn't stop shouting in the house," Milly suggested.

"And if I don't want to?" Knives smirked.

"I'll go get my stun gun and make you be quiet."

"All right, I'm quiet!" Vash clapped both hands over his mouth, eyes wide. Knives sniffed disdainfully but didn't say anything. Meryl made a face somewhere between a grin and a grimace and flipped an omelet onto a plate.

Breakfast was silent except for the brothers' enthusiastic _nom-nom-nom_ sounds. Knives seemed to disregard the inferiority of human-prepared meals, and Meryl mentally sighed as she calculated the amount – and cost – of food she'd need to buy. _I thought it was bad enough having to feed Vash, but his brother has just as big an appetite, _she thought. Milly just munched happily on her toast until the meal was over.

"See, wasn't that nice? Everyone got along so well!" she smiled while collecting the used plates. "If we all try hard enough, it'll be easy to live in peace."

"Yeah… peace," Meryl echoed hollowly, with a glance at Vash and a glare at Knives.

"What are you looking at me for? I always work hard to bring peace!"

"If all the worthless humans were wiped out, there'd be peace," growled Knives.

"If humans are so worthless, you tell me who's been cooking for you and tending to your injuries this whole time. If you only had that idiot broomhead to take care of you, you wouldn't be doing half as well as you are now!" Meryl's voice gradually rose to a shout as she turned on Knives again. "You accept medical help from us so-called 'worthless humans'. You're actually healing better than Vash is because he's too stubborn to hold still while I change the bandages! Make up your mind already – if you really think we're as pathetic as you say we are, then you'd better be prepared to take care of yourself without my help!" She stopped for breath, panting through clenched teeth. Her hands were balled into tight fists at her sides and she looked angry enough to bite Knives's face off.

"Is she done shouting yet?" Vash's quavering voice whispered from beneath the table.

"I think so, Mr. Vash," Milly told him. "Ma'am, why did you start shouting again when things were so calm?"

"It's all his fault! He drives me crazy!" shrieked Meryl, pointing dramatically at Knives, who stood with his fists on his hips and a sneering smiled on his face.

"Mr. Knives," Milly said reproachfully, "it really isn't very kind to upset Meryl like that. You should be ashamed of yourself for making her so mad. Say you're sorry, right now."

"Just do it, you don't want her to shoot you with that freakishly huge gun she carries around!" Vash pleaded, crawling out from under the table with his hands in the air.

"No way!" Knives looked shocked at the very idea of an apology.

"Please, brother, I'm begging you, don't make the big girl mad."

"I refuse to apologize to a human. They should all be apologizing to me for the mere fact of their existence, regardless of your idealistic fantasies."

"But, Knives, you don't understa—"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!" Meryl grabbed a frying pan and smacked an unprepared Knives upside the head with it. Hard. Very hard. He looked stunned for a moment, then fell into a sprawling heap on the floor. Vash and Milly stared in shock. Meryl looked sheepish, then worried when Knives didn't get up right away. "Is… he is okay, isn't he?"

"He'll be fine once he wakes up." Vash picked up his brother's limp form and carried him out of the room.

"I guess I went a little too far that time," Meryl said meekly.

"Yes, you did, Ma'am." Milly agreed.

"I probably should just accept that Knives is going to act that way and learn to live with it."

"You probably should, Ma'am."

"I made a fool out of myself, didn't I."

"Just a little, Ma'am. But it's okay, I do the same thing all the time."

Meryl sighed again. This was going to be a long, long day.


End file.
